The Letter
by Mai Kurosaki
Summary: AU. Byakuya left Ichigo unexpectedly six months ago, breaking Ichigo's heart by moving to Tokyo and cutting all the ties. Now Ichigo is still heartbroken and barely manages to function, but the arrival of a letter changes everything. Or maybe it will just settle the past once and for all.


**Disclaimer**: Kubo Tite still owns _Bleach_ and everything related to it. I still am just a poor fanfiction writer. He can own this story too if only he makes Byakuya and Ihcigo canon. :)

_**Warnings**: Some foul language and angst. Really heavy angst. :)_

One

_**A Letter**_

He doesn't notice it until the next morning. He wakes up with his throat clogged by all the pain he has been living for the past six months and with the taste of everything bad in his life on his lips like sweet poison. He is dazed and he walks through the kitchen like a zombie. When he comes back with the aspirin in one hand a glass of water in the other, he sees the mail scattered around at the entrance. Envelopes laying around like innocent news letters that always give you bad news. He takes the pill, drowns half of glass and he finally picks them up.

Bill, bill, add, another bill, add and then... The envelope is white with no indication of who sent it. His names is glaring back at him as a bitter remind of what he could have been at some point or another. A pitiful admonisher that he could have been someone else, but for the past six months that possibility had withered away along with half of his dreams.

He opens the envelope almost viciously. The first lines make him stop. He takes a deep breath and looks back at the page. The same elegant writing, the looping letters glare back at him as if they dare him not to read them, not to look at them. The burst of anger is sudden and absolute. He crumples the pages and throws them in the bin. He glares as their crinkled form and swears.

"Fucking bastard!" He yells and slams the door of the kitchen, going back to his bedroom, under the covers where he can forget about himself for another period of time, until tomorrow when he needs to go back to work and pretend he is still functioning, that half of his life hasn't disappeared in the last six months.

He lasts ten seconds. He puffs as he gets out of the bed and looks at window, where he pulls the curtains. It reveals a beautiful sunny morning on the west bank of the river in Karakura town. It is this view that made them buy the apartment, preparing to get together through the daily routines, through jobs and friends and love. They were planning dinners with Rukia and Renji, their living room with a beautiful terrace facing the river as well. They were planning a life together and then he completely disappeared one day and now this. This freaking letter as if it would excuse anything.

He goes back in the kitchen and takes the crinkled pages glaring them. Writing a letter. That is so typical him. Such a damn coward move as if some explanations lying on the paperwork would make everything fine between them.

_Dear Ichigo,_

_I love you. How selfish of me to say this, but I wanted to say this first and foremost in case you decide to throw this away without reading another line. _

_I know I have lost any write to address you six months ago when I left you and decided that what we had was not worth fighting for. I was so terribly wrong but this is not for debate._

_The reason why I decided to write to you was because I still know you despite my selfishness and my pride and I know what you think about my leaving. You are blaming yourself_.

Ichigo passes his fingers through his hair and swallows hard trying not to let that lump suffocate him. He leaves the pages on the counter and grabs another glass of water. Then another. _He is gone_. This is the mantra by which he has been living for the past six months. This is what kept repeating itself in his mind in a loop. _He is gone. He is gone. He is gone_.

He would eat alone, go to work, look at the mostly empty apartment, unable to breathe sometimes. Avoid to go home, looking for company through his friends, sleeping on their couches or guest rooms because _he_ wasn't there any more, because looking at that apartment made him feel the knives of all those disappointments.

He was gone and he had to keep on living. The funny thing is that he had always hated the expression 'a broken heart' until his own heart was shattered completely. Utterly destroyed by that man that put pride and duty above him, above their love, that let all those selfish bastards interfere in between them.

_You are blaming yourself and you shouldn't. You are perfect just the way you are. You are funny and smart and you always surpass any expectations that people might have of you. You are like the sun shinning beautifuly and powerfully everyday and I hate that I was the one that ruined everything between us._

_You have no fault in the decision that I took. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing for us both. I was going to take over my family business that hated me being gay but loved me for being a business genius, and I thought I was doing something good for you too, because you are so young and lively._

_God, Ichigo, I know you said that age doesn't matter, that it is just a number, but I looked sometimes at you, the way your hair used to shine in the sun like a halo and felt my heart stutter. I would see the life ahead of you and thought that a man like me would only make you miserable sooner or later. And I did managed to do that by my own will and I am sorry for that, Ichigo. I am sorry for all the things I said last autumn, all the stupid incredibly selfish accusations I made when I knew there was only one person to blame and that was me. _

_Words. I only have words now and they are not enough to express my regret at my wrong-doing, they are not enough to express how much I regret making you feel bad if only for a second for your being. _

_You were my sun, my life, the only thing in the world that made me laugh and feel like I lived a little and I wanted so bad to be with you. I wanted so bad to crawl in between spaces of your soul and never leave, because I couldn't possible imagine that man like you would love a man like me. Thus I ignored this completely when I took that foolish decision to move back to Tokyo._

_The only person that lacked something all this time has been me, Ichigo. Me and only me and I hate the fact that I broke your heart, I hate the fact that I made you doubt yourself when it should have been me all along._

_Why am I writing this to you now? Because I love you and because I want you to be happy and I know that I made doubting your worth. Please, don't. I was the fool, I was too coward to admit that my family actually didn't want me back for me but for my own brain so I could stop the foreclosure and bankruptcy. I left you for them when it should have been the other way around and I can't tell you how deeply I regret this._

_I apologize for all the petty things I said back then when you tried to open my eyes. I was wrong, so utterly wrong. Make sure that the next man in your life will not be a coward like me. Make sure he appreciates who you are, make sure he sees your kindness and your intelligence and your brightness and never let go. Because he would be a fool to leave a man like you. You deserve to be happy therefore please do not let my actions ruin your soul. _

_Live fully and happily. That is all I want for you._

_And if someday you find the strength in you, please forgive me. _

_Love, _

_Byakuya._

He angrily crumples the paper again and throws it somewhere in the kitchen where he can't see it for the time being. Righteous fury fuels his next actions as he grabs the cell phone and calls Rukia.

"Why are you awake at this hour?" She mumbles into the receiver as she answers, clearly as affected as he is by the previous night.

"Where the fuck is he?"

One frozen moment.

"Who?" She finally stutters but he knows her since middle school when she kept on pestering him to be friends, so she can see another thing coming if she thinks he can't hear the truth from a mile away.

"He's back! He's back and you haven't fucking told me so spare me the confused routine because it won't work with me. Where is he? Where does he live?"

"Ichigo-"

"Don't Ichigo me, Rukia." The wound is there in the open for everybody to marvel at the bleeding and puss that still covers it. "You were supposed to be my friend, you were supposed to tell me this kind of things and you didn't. Instead he sent me this stupid letter as if it would sort everything out but it won't. So could you just tell me where he lives now because I honestly feel like punch him in the face."

"He lives in his old block of flats." She answers bitterly. "Please, believe me when I say that the only thing that stopped me from telling you where he lives is because I thought that I was doing what was best for you."

"Well, apparently everyone knows what is best for me, except myself. Byakuya leaves me because this is what is best for me, you and Renji don't tell me that he is back because it is the best for me. Every fucking one of you knows what is best for me, except for myself. Well, guess what? I am fucking twenty-six years old. I can take my own fucking decisions."

"Ichigo, please, listen to me!" Rukia is fully awake now and sounding really distressed, her voice trembling on the other end. "Not for one moment did I want to harm you. Please, remember this. I just didn't know how to tell you that he is back. He is my brother but he hurt you so bad, Ichigo. I just-"

"Look, I understand, Rukia, I really do but people should stop acting like I'm made of glass."

"Ichigo, you didn't move from that damn couch for a month, you didn't speak for a week, you didn't eat, you didn't sleep." Ichigo swallows hard again remembering only half of that month. He knows it was bad, he knows that at some point his father had to sedate him just so he can get some sleep. But he also understands that some things need to be confronted.

"I'm sorry." he mutters.

"No, I'm sorry. I should have told you. He's been back only a month ago, Ichigo."

"Is he still living at his old apartment?" The one that they were supposed to rent so that they can have money for holidays and the likes. The one that wasn't supposed to be lived in.

"Yes."

"Thanks."

"Ichigo, don't do anything stupid."

"I'm just going to answer to his letter."

Ichigo hangs up without thinking about anything else, except that for the past month he has been so close and yet so far from Byakuya. They could have seen each other at the supermarket or anywhere else, that is if Ichigo would get out of the house longer than necessary. He showers quickly and forgoes breakfast in favour of changing into some blue t-shirt and some grey jeans. He takes the crumpled letter and he gets out of the house like a storm.

He isn't too surprised when he sees Renji waiting for him in the lobby. He would like to be angry but his friend is clearly preoccupied so he doesn't say anything as he storms right past him.

"Seriously, dude, are you going to ignore me?" Renji growls and earnestly, this coming for a tattooed guy with fiery hair that looks as if he is eating people like Ichigo for breakfast should be intimidating. In fact some of the people that pass them by on the street look enough frightened but Ichigo can't be bothered.

"If this gets me quicker, then yeah, Renji, I am. I'm so not in the mood for a discourse about how what I am about to do is wrong so spare me the sermon."

"Ichigo!" His friends mumbles again and this time he grasps his forearm turning him around. Ichigo's scowl is in full swing.

"Seriously, man don't. Don't do this to yourself. He's not worth it."

"He fucking started it when he sent me this crap of a letter like I should fucking get over it, like he just wants to appease his conscience. Well, fuck him, last time I was too shocked to retaliate, but this time I'm going to give him a piece of my mind not to forget it."

"Ichigo, this will only open a can of worms for you."

"Jesus, Renji, who's side are you on?" Ichigo finally snaps and regrets it almost instantly when he sees his friend wince.

"Really, are actually asking me this?" Renji is angry as well. "Look, asshole, the last time I checked all your friends stuck with you. We kind of abandoned Byakuya in favour of taking your fucking side, so don't get high and mighty with me or I will whip your ass."

They glare at each other in the middle of the street and people look at them like they are about to kill each other right there, but Ichigo has another murder on his mind so he just finally sighs.

"I'm sorry, Renji, I just- This letter really messed me up."

"I know, I'm sorry too." Renji relaxes a little bit. "So what do you plan on doing?"

"I need to talk to him, Renji, I have to."

"I know. Come on, I'm going to give you a ride you moron."

"Thanks, I love you too, pineapple head."

"Shut your pie hole, strawberry."

Ichigo cackles and it is a sound so foreign that he almost doubts that has been the one to make it. The block of flats is not far from his address and the ride takes about ten minutes in a complete silence. When they get there, Renji wants to say something more, but then he changes his mind.

"Do you want to wait for you?"

"No, thanks. I will take a walk once it's finished."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

Ichigo leaves without saying anything to Renji looking at the familiar surroundings with that incredible pain back into his heart. The first time when Byakuya told him that he was moving back to Tokyo was such an ugly nightmare that he just refused it to believe. But then when Byakuya up and went, Ichigo cried when he saw the empty apartment. He actually cried like a sissy, unable to believe that after two years and a half of a relationship that promised something so much deeper, Byakuya just left him like that.

His hand shakes so bad that he can barely press the button for Byakuya's floor. The elevator goes up too quickly and his legs are trembling by the time he comes out of it. There it is. That stupid door that opened for him so many times and then stayed there shut for what seemed like forever. He just stares at the wood and he can't make himself knock for the life of him. He is frozen in a state of disbelief as if he doesn't really understands why he is there, why he is still looking for an answer so many months after, when it is clear that Byakuya simply didn't want him in his life.

It is that final thought that pushes him over the edge and he dares to touch that wood. He is about to turn around when he doesn't hear anything, because at the end of the day he's so not ready for this when the door finally opens and a raven haired man appears in the doorway.

The sight makes Ichigo's stomach lurch utterly uncomfortably, because sometimes it is unfair how one person can kill every hope that you had in a span of a few seconds. Byakuya looks as gorgeous as ever, dressed casually in a black t-shirt and some blue jeans that had seen better days. His silky hair is tied up but a few strands managed to get free and they frame perfectly his handsome face. His grey eyes are rounded with shock, and Ichigo is petty because he is so satisfied at least for that.

"Ichigo?" The gravely voice finally says his name and Ichigo just wants to die there. Right there. Just be done with this.

"How dare you?" He mumbles and his voice is so raspy like he took a shot of broken glass.

"Pardon?"

"I said how dare you?" Ichigo clears a bit his voice. "How dare you sending me this fucking letter?" He throws the paper right in front of him and it hits mutely Byakuy'schest. There is hurt marring Byakuya's features but Ichigo doesn't care any more. The older man doesn't bend to grab the letter, instead he keeps looking at Ichigo as if he is a starving man and he hates him a little more for that.

"I didn't mean anything by it, other than apologize and wish you all the best."

"Who gave you the idea that I need your apologies or your wishes?" Ichigo raises his voice. He is fury and hurt and pain. He is broken heart and tears and famine for a touch that he doesn't remember any more but which still burns his skin. "You are so too late it's not even funny. Sending me a letter like that was the worst thing you could have done. What did you think? That if you admitted your wrong-doing and apologize, I would crawl back to you like a stupid child?"

"No, I never-"

"Don't lie to me" I know fully well who you are now." Ichigo gets right into his face. "You had no right. You broke my fucking heart, you took everything from me on a whim. You renounced me the moment you decided to get back to Tokyo so you have no right," Ichigo's voice is guttural, threatening to crack. "You don't get to apologize, you don't get to contact me, you don't get to wish me the best and to tell me that you fucking love me. You don't- you have no idea what love is, you selfish prick or you wouldn't have left me."

"Ichigo, I-" Byakuya's eyes are filled to the brim with an intense pain and Ichigo is so petty that he reveals into that, knowing that he did that. The raven haired man makes an aborted attempt to touch Ichigo's arm, but he younger man pulls back as if everything burns.

"Don't touch me!" He sneers like a trapped animal. "I don't care that you are back, I want you to stay out of my life. I don't want to see you ever again."

"Please, Ichigo, don't!"

"I believe I was the very one who said those words the last time and you told me to stop acting like a freaking child." Ichigo takes another few steps back. This is not satisfying. He is just inflicting pain upon himself. He must definitely be a glutton for punishment because all that he wants is to pass his fingers through those loose strands, to touch those lips with his own, to lean down and hide his face in between Byakuya's shoulder and neck. A sob escapes his lips, the only sign of weakness and Byakuya hears it, his face a monument of agony.

"We re done!" Ichigo hisses and turns towards the elevator ignoring Byakuya's crumbled form. He enters the elevator which is still there and then just collapses to the floor.

_I lost him forever_. He says to himself when he gets out of the building, looking at the sunny day and hating everything. I lost him. I lost him. Ichigo looks blindingly around him before his legs start moving mechanically.

He doesn't register what is going on around him and it takes him a while before he crashes on the bank of the river where he used to come with his mother when he was just a child. He is simply crushed. How come he gave so much power over him to a person like Byakuya? He come he thought that love would keep that man next to him for the rest of his life? He thought it would be enough. He thought _he_ would be enough.

_I lost him for good._

* * *

_A/N: I was thinking of making this one shot and leave it here, but I have enough crappy things happening at the moment in my life so I will definitely update this, make it a bit longer, develop the story a little bit, maybe offer a bit more background. Apologies again foe any mistake left. _


End file.
